The Challenge with the Here and Now

It's hard picking up and leaving everything you know for the hope of a better future. Some say it'll make you stronger but so far it's just making me weak. People keep saying it's going to get better, just give it time. I'm not really sure if that's true. It's been two weeks and I'm supposed to go for two years.... Sure things are going to get better little by little. I'm going to meet new people and have new experiences. But it's hard, doing it alone. People are being really nice, but yet I still feel like an outcast. Some are writing me off because I have a relationship at home, but I honestly didn't want to be friends with you anyway if that's all you are looking for.

It's hard starting over when so much of myself is still somewhere else. Can you move on while still be attached and anchored to what you are supposed to be trying to move on from? It makes it so much harder and brings me so much more pain to not be where I truly want to be.

I thought coming here was going be an amazing adventure but I think I went to big. I'm not my brother and what he experience was different than what I am but I still think this is too big for me. I should have stayed closer to home but this is what I have chosen. I tried so hard to convince myself I was going to be fine. I told everyone it wasn't a big deal. I think I actually started to believe it myself until I got here. It's funny how the mind wants to protect your heart so bad it'll start believing anything. I wonder if I can convince myself now what I need to get by. But I don't want to "get by". I don't want to live for every visit back home. I don't want to be so attached to what I left behind that I don't live here in what's happening to me now. I want to live in the her and now and I have no idea why I'm having such a hard time accomplishing that.

I feel like ever since I've been here it has been a fight. Fight to leave home behind, fight to make things right here, fight to fit in, fight with what I left behind, and I'm just tired. It's so hard to be strong when everything feels like its trying to tear you down. I know I'm here for something so much bigger than me but I feel like a can't center myself to focus on that bigger picture. I feel so alone and I guess this is just something I'll have to get used to because there's nothing more I can do.

I came here because I wanted to challenge myself and get the education for the career, the life I want. And so far I was right about challenging myself. But its one thing to take on yourself but to feel like you are being challenged by the new people, the old people, the attachments you are confronted with was what I wasn't quite expecting to be so hard. But as my father would say "Welcome to adulthood, not everything is as easy as you want it to be." So it's time to toughen up. It's time to take this caring, thin skinned, even fatigue me that I have become and change. Cold months up ahead and I'm going to seriously need that thicker skin.

Consequences of Love

What makes us question ourselves? What makes us sit there and over think and over analyze our choices, our actions, our words, our way of living, our way of feeling and dealing? What drives us to say "yes that's right" or "what was I thinking"? Is it love, the want of it , the need of it... the consequences of love? Is it failure, fear of it, the pain of the last failure? Is it the need to always change and improve ourselves, therefore is it human nature? If it is human nature, then is it okay? 

I feel as if I question to much. About everything. My life, my choices, my actions, the whole around me, the things that have happened to me. Obviously I do. Look at my opening paragraph up there. But that's okay, right? To question is to observe and evolve  But I think my questioning has been taking to a whole new level, especially since I've come to college. I have had the ideal childhood and up bringing. Given the world and always seeing the best of everything. I truly look back and think I was sheltered. Sheltered from hurt, real world problems, true-unchanging love. 

Since I've come to college. I've experience more than I could have imagined. Love being one of those things. But not the typically kind. The kind that makes you question why there are other people besides the two of you in this world. The kind that keeps you smiling in your sleep. The kind you dream of when you think of that one person, your one soul mate.

I found that. He is very different from me and yet very alike in ways. We handle things differently and have very different relationships with others. I've never had a love that has challenged me like he does yet make me worry at the same time. We have a rocky past but we are still together; I hope out of pure love. He gives me strength but because of our past, I've slowly become more insecure then I ever was before. I question my qualities and my worth. For him, not in general. I hate that I feel this self doubt and I'm not sure what the true root of my issues are. But being with him has brought out some rough truths about myself. So I have to wonder is it okay that I questions so much?

I truly feel that I need to "relax" and "chill" and not think and question so much. I over think and creative bad version of things and this has become something I want to stop and change. I want to trust more, and not have this knot in my stomach. I want to be so confident in myself that no one, no thing, no word or comment will ever matter, effect me, or touch me. If people want to be with me or be around me, let them. If not, I can't make them, and I refuse to fight for things that don't want to fight either. Why chase after something that never wants to be caught? That might be a stretch but its something I'm going to strive for. I've decided to do my best to create a better version of myself. For me and for him, and everyone else in my life. I need to stop questioning so much and just let things happen the way they may, whether it be fate, density, God's path, or my own control (or lack of control). I need to breathe more and empty my mind. This is my goal. My challenge, to myself, for my life. For me. 

Naive

Love all, trust a few.

- William Shakespeare

I have a problem. Its clear to see. Anyone that knows me, knows the problem. It wasn't until recently did I start to consider my problem an actual problem. But now I see that my problem is becoming a weakness. 

Since I was little, I've learned to love everyone and I always saw others as purely good. I've grown up in a loving and caring environment. I admit I have an naive outlook on life and love.  I have an emotional mother who never holds her feelings back. I never saw this to be an issue until I started to growing up and see that I was becoming the same way. 

Its no secret at all that I am an emotional person. I wear my feelings on my sleeve. I have always put my heart and my all into everything I do and everyone I care about. I have this natural tendency to like just about everyone and then care about them in no time. I always wanted people to like me and for them to feel liked as well. I was the comedian and the class clown that was always trying to get people to laugh or smile. I wanted to make people happier. When I saw them down, I wanted to fix it. I was blessed when I could or even to be there with them through their times. I cared, a lot. 

And I still do, but now its different. As I've grown, I have found not everyone has the same intentions to look out for their fellow friend. I always laughed at those who only cared about themselves and watched out for only them. But now I understand. They were just trying not to get hurt. Trying to spare themselves from repeating the pain they had once felt. Trying to stay strong because they were once left weak. 

I've started to see, understand, and become one of those people. I give my all to people and I feel like I only get part of them in return. If you have any of my love, that means you have my trust too. If you have my trust you have my love. But I feel as though that each of them are being taken advance of. I do believe I give it out too freely, too easy because its in my nature to just trust and love freely. But when I continually keep getting hurt and not getting that trust and love in return I cant help but to feel broken and worthless. 

I've started to have these horrible insecurities and issues and I don't know how to fix it. How do you become so independent that it no longer matters? Will it take me getting hurt over and over again? I just feel like a fool. And if you care about someone, why treat them like that? Why not let them know you are their world? What is so wrong with being open and upfront about your feeling? You must be scared too! And if you are know that you aren't the only one! 

So maybe I shouldn't change my ways. I don't want to close myself off from true feelings and true emotions. But I don't want to be hurt anymore. What am I doing that's so wrong? 

I don't know what to do but the hopeless romantic, and naive little girl in me wants to believe the good will happen one day. "There will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears." 

"Is that like Riverdance?"

There are only a few things in one's life that they can honestly say they have loved all their life or most. Family, Food, Your house... That's about it. For 15+ years I've been in love with Irish dance. Its the first thing I ever remember doing and loving EVERY second of. Its been my guidance, my escape, my life, my culture. Through competitions to performances, to winnings to sad loses, dance has made me who I am. Its always been more than a hobby, its a great form of exercise and now its my job. But how can you call something you love doing so much with great people a job. That's not work. That's just being blessed. And that's exactly what I am. I'm  blessed to be able to not have to have a job that I dislike and takes me away from my life/school. I do exactly what I love doing. Helping people learn the exact thing that I love to do. How did I get so lucky? I know that dance with be a part of me and my life forever. God, I hope my kids dance and I hope to continue teaching for many years to come. Some might think its silly to love a hobby this much but tell that to Lebron James or Derek Jeter. Dance has brought me closer to my mom, my heritage, my family. Its taught me goal setting and the importance of patience and practice. Its given me the most amazing experiences and the best friends. Dance is my past, my now, and god, if it kills me, my future.

Chapter Closed

Last week I finally walked away from someone and closed a chapter in my life. This person used to be something so special to me. He was my life, my love, my everything. I sacrificed so much to be with him, to be the perfect one for me, to make him ...and myself happy. I convinced myself that he was it. There was so much good, so much love, and so much happiness. He was my best friend and my lover. But time after time, he continued to hurt me and treat me poorly. I'm not saying I was perfect but he wasn't the one who keep getting bruised. My love was always there. Throughout everything, despite everything. Even after all the promises were broken and others came into the picture. Everyone told me to walk away, but we all know, its never that easy.

Something finally clicked after I found out all that I believed were lies. It just simply amazes me that he could think that its okay to treat people the way he did, the way he does. His family, his friends, and the ones he claims to say he loves. All of this has lead to me completely hurt and disgusted with him. Finally I have found a way to feel such hatred towards him and FINALLY move on with my life.

Despite the hurt and hate I feel towards him, I'll never be able to thank him for all that he has taught me these past two years. He has shown me a different kind of love, a kind I never thought I could have felt, so quickly and at such a young age. He was there through the hardest times in my life and for that I'll never, ever be able to truly thank him. He has taught me to love and care for everyone and see past color and differences. He has taught me to let go and understand that I can't control everything (like I want to). He taught me to be a friend and a girlfriend. He has taught me to not trust me so easily and be stronger. I've learn to care and give myself completely. And now he has taught me to learn how to be stronger and walk away for a bad, unhealthy situation. He has taught me that everyone, even the ones you love the most, can break promises.

Since last week, I've grown so much stronger. I've realized I deserve so much more than all that he could ever offer. I've learned that he is selfish and hopefully will grow out of that and that my true friends are what matters most. But the most important thing I've come to realize this past week is that I need my faith to be strong again. My Lord has given me this situation because he knows I can handle it. I need to use this Lent season to grow closer and love my God and faith again.

I am thankful for the amazing times and the horrible times the past two years. They have made me who I am today. But its time to use what I've learn and grow stronger as a person, a friend, and a Catholic. Here's to a new time. A new start. A new me.